The Bond With My Son Is Not Born By Having The Same Blood: It Arises From The Soul

The bond with the children does not arise from having the same blood or from that genetic code that places us in the same genealogical tree. The most intense bond, the authentic one, arises through attachment, through looks, affections, parenting over low heat, patience at a crawl, and that intimacy that makes us mothers, that makes us fathers.

Many of our readers who have taken the marvelous step of adoption will undoubtedly understand that the fact of not having a baby in their womb does not make him less of a child, it does not make him less worthy of being loved. Because love is not always created, love is built above all and that is how we validate ourselves as parents, being wise in parenting and education, being close, skilled and respectful with that little life that undoubtedly deserves everything. .

At the same time, and no less important, it should be remembered that the construction of the bond with our little ones is fundamental to lay the foundations of that psychic and emotional architecture that is self-esteem.

A healthy, strong and secure bond is like an alliance of affections, where we are your primary references, those special people who will help you to be part of the world and feel worthy of him or her.

In “You are Mom” we talk about it.

Our bond: I love you for who you are, not for what you do

We love our children simply because they are them. We adore them for the way they breathe, for those eyes in which we see ourselves reflected every day. We take care of them because we feel that they are an indispensable part of our heart, a beautiful piece of our life, the most perfect being that lives in this world and for whom, we would give everything.

This is how that real and unconditional love is understood, the one that will never tell a child “if you do that badly, mom will no longer love you” or “as you maintain that attitude, I will love you less than your brother.” These kinds of phrases, these kinds of educational approaches hurt and create sequelae. It is not in this way that a worthy bond is built, the one where we are worthy of our children.

The bond created with our parents is something that always determines us

Let’s do a little act of reflection, of self-analysis. What is the bond we build with our parents like? Did they make us feel safe? Did they give us security, the perception that we were important, that we deserved the best, that we were worthy of getting what we wanted?

• As curious as it may seem, this is usually the main problem that people have throughout our lives: perceiving that something failed in the foundations of our upbringing, noticing that there are points that were not woven quite well in that fabric that was ours. early self-esteem.
• That is why, when that moment when we are mothers, when we are fathers, one makes a deep reflection on that bond that we had – and still have with our own parents – to tell ourselves that we will do better.

The type of bond that I will have with my son will be secure, it will be strong and it will start from my own soul

The authentic bond between a mother and her child, between a baby and her father, is like an umbilical cord through which the nourishment of affection, consideration, care, dedication and the most nurturing love is transmitted. However, and we must be clear about this, not always “because we love a lot we want well”, that is, it is not enough to love a child to give him a strong and secure bond, it must be done in the best way.

For this reason, it is interesting to recall here the works of Mary Ainsworth, an American psychologist and collaborator in John Bowlby’s studies on attachment, who differentiated three types of ties. They are as follows:

The secure link

In the secure bond, parents know how to attend to the needs of the child, in such a way that the child perceives from an early age that they will always be available and that they will know how to act in the face of every difficulty, every fear, every doubt.

Here, trust and respectful interaction predominate above all else, where the child feels safe to mature, to do things by himself, to be more and more autonomous by always feeling supported.

The insecure bond

In this case, the parents practice that detachment where the child does not feel connected to his parents, where fear arises, doubt arises, where needs are not satisfied, where little by little they understand that they will not be helped because there is no closeness real.

The eager bond

We talked about that sometimes, “wanting a lot is not wanting well” and here we have, for example, the bases of that toxic upbringing where the autonomy of the child is curtailed, where that overprotection limits opportunities for learning, growth …

• There is mutual dependence between parents and children, an unhealthy attachment where trust does not reign, where everything is confusing and the little one may experience fear of being sanctioned if they start something on their own, and where parents do not offer tools for autonomy.
• It is an insecure bond that without a doubt, we must avoid to focus only on that relationship and upbringing that will allow the child to build good self-esteem, that which will unite us in an intense way but respecting spaces for growth and opportunity.

Let us therefore cultivate that love that is born from the soul and that knows how to set children free when the time comes.